asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Nothing to do, you say?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?