“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
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The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Livid.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.