I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
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I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
March 16
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.