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When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.