Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
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Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Very problematic
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.