[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
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[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.