Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of PetrickSara's best tweets

@PetrickSara : My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

@PetrickSara: My kids just took a DNA test...turns out they’re 100% not listening.

@PetrickSara: My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

@PetrickSara: Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

@PetrickSara: Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

@PetrickSara: Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

@PetrickSara: Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

@PetrickSara: Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It's never going to happen.

@PetrickSara: My children's inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

@PetrickSara: There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”