Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of PetrickSara's best tweets

@PetrickSara : My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

@PetrickSara: My kids just took a DNA test...turns out they’re 100% not listening.

@PetrickSara: My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

@PetrickSara: Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

@PetrickSara: Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

@PetrickSara: Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

@PetrickSara: Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

@PetrickSara: Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It's never going to happen.

@PetrickSara: My children's inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

@PetrickSara: There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”


“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”