There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
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facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Strange
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄