I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
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He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.