@PhilJamesson

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

@PhilJamesson

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

@PhilJamesson

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

@PhilJamesson

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

@PhilJamesson

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

@PhilJamesson

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

@PhilJamesson

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

@PhilJamesson

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit