Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”