My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
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My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.