MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
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[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.