cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.