[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
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When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.