ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
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{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.