COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind