Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.