Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.