My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
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Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.