If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?