WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word