@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

@PleaseBeGneiss

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

@PleaseBeGneiss

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

@PleaseBeGneiss

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.