ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.