Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
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A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
time machine? you mean a clock?
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*