@PleaseBeGneiss

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

@PleaseBeGneiss

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

@PleaseBeGneiss

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

@PleaseBeGneiss

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell