Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family