[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome