If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
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You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.