Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?