Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys