Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
You Might Also Like
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
my sentiments exactly
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Am I having a stroke?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.