I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
How I like cutting carbs
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands