My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
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I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Autocorrect completely socks
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
thank god the sign was there
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.