There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
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you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Mhm.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD