@PopSlapFunk

Fun Fact:

You can be charged with home invasion and aggravated assault if you use a box cutter to break down cardboard and a hobo’s inside.

@PopSlapFunk

The silent “p” and “s” in “Corps” are why I have hardcorps trust issues.

@PopSlapFunk

Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist.

Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity.

Lucy pulls off heist.

Lucy in disguise with diamonds.

@PopSlapFunk

*Arrives to save damsel in distress*

Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”

Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”

Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”

@PopSlapFunk

Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, “Hey, I found you on Twitter” and other things that will suddenly stop your heart.

@PopSlapFunk

5: “Dad, to be the man of the house, you need to wear pants.”

Me: …

5: …

Me: “It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Job’s all yours.”

@PopSlapFunk

I don’t mean to brag about my patience, but I just waited 5 whole seconds before passing a student driver and flicking them off.

@PopSlapFunk

So we no longer say “please” and “thanks” in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it’s ok to key impolite people’s cars.

@PopSlapFunk

Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.

@PopSlapFunk

When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…

*lowers shades*

…Dutch Coven.