You can be charged with home invasion and aggravated assault if you use a box cutter to break down cardboard and a hobo’s inside.
The silent “p” and “s” in “Corps” are why I have hardcorps trust issues.
Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist.
Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity.
Lucy pulls off heist.
Lucy in disguise with diamonds.
*Arrives to save damsel in distress*
Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”
Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”
Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”
Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, “Hey, I found you on Twitter” and other things that will suddenly stop your heart.
5: “Dad, to be the man of the house, you need to wear pants.”
Me: “It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Job’s all yours.”
I don’t mean to brag about my patience, but I just waited 5 whole seconds before passing a student driver and flicking them off.
So we no longer say “please” and “thanks” in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it’s ok to key impolite people’s cars.
Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.
When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…