If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.