@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.