@Pork_Chop_Hair: Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

@Pork_Chop_Hair: HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.