Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
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[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.