Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
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I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Had to try this trend 😊
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup