@PortRooster

Due to a tragic “iTunes on shuffle” incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met…

@PortRooster

If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box…

@PortRooster

On phone:

GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!

@PortRooster

Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with “Kodak”?

Nicki Minaj: “Kodak”, duh…

Pitbull: Thanks!

@PortRooster

Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple?

Me: Blurple.

*She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I “know”

@PortRooster

Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…

@PortRooster

Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!