Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PoshTick's best tweets

@PoshTick : time traveller: what's wrong

me: i just failed college

time traveller: 2nd or 3rd time

me: firs- wait what

@PoshTick: wife: would you like a glass of water?

me: a glass of what?

wife: water

me: try again. a glass of what?

wife: *sighing* fine... would you like a glass of clear earth soup?

@PoshTick: cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: speeding?

cop: no it's-

dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]

me: he says he wasn't speeding

@PoshTick: me: i'd like to make a complaint

optometrist: what is it?

me: the surgery i just had

optometrist: and?

me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don't

@PoshTick: gf: house hunting is so boring

me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there's not much of a challenge to it

@PoshTick: mom: so where did you two meet?

me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison

@PoshTick: [school reunion]

everyone: mirror selfies!

lana: *slowly removing name tag*

@PoshTick: [first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime

@PoshTick: bouncer: can't let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i'm usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

@PoshTick: me: *down on one knee*

her: omg omg omg it's finally happening

me: *tightens my velcro straps* what