My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Sharon I have some bad news
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”