time traveller: what’s wrong
me: i just failed college
time traveller: 2nd or 3rd time
me: firs- wait what
wife: would you like a glass of water?
me: a glass of what?
me: try again. a glass of what?
wife: *sighing* fine… would you like a glass of clear earth soup?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
cop: no it’s-
dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]
me: he says he wasn’t speeding
me: i’d like to make a complaint
optometrist: what is it?
me: the surgery i just had
me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don’t
gf: house hunting is so boring
me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it
mom: so where did you two meet?
me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison
everyone: mirror selfies!
lana: *slowly removing name tag*
[first day as an undercover police officer]
me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
me: *down on one knee*
her: omg omg omg it’s finally happening
me: *tightens my velcro straps* what