‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
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Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?