Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
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I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.