“Great, now I have to pee.”
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It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
broke down and did it
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit