Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
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my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
San Francisco has too many rules
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.