My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
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With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
asking santa clause for nudes
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.