Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No