Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
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oh you wanna fight?!
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?