don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
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Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
bad news gang
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
This guy’s not having it 😆
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Oh my god
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer