guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
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Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.