“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
You Might Also Like
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
😲 WTF? 😆
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin