My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
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Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…